Murder She Wrote was Only an Hour Long for a Reason: Knives Out

Here’s where the easily entertained American Public wins the ratings war: “Knives Out” scored a higher Rotten Tomatoes audience review than Bombshell. Enough said.

I had higher hopes than normal about a movie like Knives Out after hearing over and over that Rian Johnson really brought something novel to the murder mystery genre. Something novel as in too many pages long!

Lord, two hours and ten minutes is a ludicrous length for a mystery as you can’t possibly have red herrings maintain a SMART audience’s interest for that duration.

Very rarely do I walk out, but I could not sit this one out. Call it The Irishman of murder mystery, yikes.

The good kernel of the movie was the fine cast: Christopher Plummer, Daniel Craig, Ana de Armas and Chris Evans to name the best and brightest of the crew. Sure, Jamie Lee Curtis, Michael Shannon and Don Johnson don’t hurt. Less likeable was Toni Collette who seemed like two dimensional bronze bimbo.

But the sheer marathon duration spoiled any of the fun. I would say the same to anyone who fully enjoyed the entire 2:10 minutes that I do to those who drive way too slowly, “Gee, you don’t want to go home, do you?”.

Snowpiercer: Ode to McEnroe, “You Can Not Be Serious!”

Much like that chair ump with an obvious stygmatism from the late 70’s are Rotten Tomatoes reviewers(94%) and David Denby of The New Yorker. You can not be serious! Snowpiercer was horrid story telling, due to either the original book being flawed or the screenplay and editing askew, and I’m not about to try to find out. I’m just relieved I escaped with a few laughs from Tilda Swinton’s magical near cameo-esque performance and the ascetic beauty of Chris Evans’ face while I stifled a laugh at his ridiculous dialogue (paraphrasing here, but something to the effect of “I started hating myself for liking the taste of babies.”) Holy Jonathan Swift! See? I cannot even finish a compliment without being stymied by a stupid moment in this film.

Chris Evans

This plot had more holes than my fishnet stockings. Like how were the Korean father daughter team huffing the noxious drug yet still able to snap to whenever ‘danger’ came their way?

In addition, the gratuitous violence was more than one needs in a life time. I have to hand it to Bong-Joon-ho though, even he must have grown weary of your basic man on man violence. In subsequent scenes he added twists like power outage train tunnel fighting lit with an infrared type lighting and slow motion sequences where the sounds of hitting and grunting finally came to an end, proving that even the protagonist was numbed by the sheer banality.

I’ll finish on a positive, the movie’s super antagonist, played by Ed Harris has a great line near the film’s end to Chris Evans, “You’re so tense. When’s the last time you got laid?” Now THAT would have been a much better film!